So years ago when I was going to college, I had to take a Child Development class. In this class one of the things we talked about is attachment.
The teacher told us there were 3 different kinds of attachment. 2 of which are unhealthy, and one that is healthy.
The first is under-attached. Mom can leave and the kid doesn't notice or care. Mom can come back and the kid doesn't notice or care.
The second is the healthy attachment, I don't remember the name. When mom leaves, the kid notices, but doesn't get too upset, and recovers easily. Has fun when mom is gone, but is glad to see her again when she comes back.
And the third is over-attached. Mom leaves and the child screams. The child refuses to be comforted while Mom is gone, and won't be happy until she comes back.
Now to a certain degree these are stereotypes, because there is no mold that really fits everyone.
The thing is, they didn't tell us what causes the different levels of attachment, or what to do about the unhealthy ones. I think with my kids I have dealt with all three kinds. Ironically in the same order. Cinderella could care less if I left, and HATED to have to leave when I got back. She still does.
Guy notices when I leave, but doesn't have a hard time with it, and is happy to come with me when I get back.
Aurora is way too over-attached. If I leave she screams. And refuses to be comforted. Most of the time. There have been a few times that she is OK, but those are very few. She is better for someone she is familiar with, like Daddy, but she still cries for him too. It is worse if she is hungry, tired or both.
The last 2 times we have left our kids with a baby sitter who wasn't family, we have come home to find the baby screaming, the baby sitter upset, and the sitters mom here. I don't mind that the sitter called her mom. But I feel bad that my baby screams so much that the sitters have a hard time. It makes me feel bad for even calling a sitter. But there are sometimes that I need one.
So what do you do?
Has anyone else dealt with a baby that screams without Mommy? How do you handle it? And how do you do baby sitters?
6 comments:
Yikes! That's a hard situation! Natalie was pretty attached to me to, but I don't ever remember her crying endlessly, I attributed her attachment to being breastfed... but I know you breastfed your oldest...
Okay, so for the baby, you can't really go without a sitter! You might need to shop around for one that's more patient, but they can be hard to find!
I've babysat children that refused to be reconciled... many times! And from different parents as well. The mom (you) can give tips on what works to soothe the baby. Maybe tell them what your husband does when you are gone. Give a lot of variety for the sitter to try. The rest lies in the experimentation of the babysitter. It might take multiple visits for the sitter to figure out something that works.
I've been in the shoes of the sitter, and I think it mainly lies in the patience of the sitter and the willingness to try different things to see what works.
One thing I WOULD suggest though, is finding a sitter that doesn't have a baby herself. The time that I found it most difficult to watch an overly-attached child is if I was alone and my baby needed attention too. Even with my husband there, it would sometimes be difficult (you take one baby, I take the other... let the others run wild!) :)
Oh, if it helps, when I've watched your oldest child... she would wonder about where her parents went if you guys had been gone awhile or if she was feeling a little sad.
One solution that I have found is to plan when we are going out for a little later in the evening. I'll cut the baby's afternoon nap a little short, so she'll be tired early, and then have her in bed before we go out, usually 7-7:30-ish. Then the sitter (I'm assuming a teenager here) can just focus on the two older ones, and it is more of a treat for them as well, because she is playing with them, instead of stressing about the baby - who is asleep. Even if she wakes up in the middle of the night, it's worth it to not have an over-stressed babysitter.
Good luck! I hope you can find someting that works for you.
try to be consistent as much as possible. have the same sitter every time if you can. have your baby interact with the sitter on other occasions when you are not going to leave her. When you are going out, have the sitter come over about 30 min early to start playing with the kids. Don't underestimate how much your baby understands: always explain to her what is happening just as you would with your older kids. I hope any of that helps.
I try to give even my babies a heads-up before we leave--telling them a day or two in advance and giving reminders, just like I do with my older ones. Also, you might want to try a different time of day, etc. We found its easier on our baby to be with adults (rather than teenagers) during the day (rather than evening). You can break in a new sitter, too, by having her come for a fun day of play with you still at home, then for half hour on her own, and build up if that helps Baby. Hope it helps, and remember that it won't last forever.
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