Want vs Need

When we were preparing to adopt the girls the state had a course we were required to take.  It was a very brief overview of a method called TBRI which stands for Trust Based Relational Intervention.  This is a parenting method that was developed by Dr Karen Purvis at CTU.  She found in her research that "children who come from hard places", respond better to this form of parenting.  I am sure I will refer more to this in more posts.

Anyway, it was encouraged that we take a complete 11 week course to learn all the ins and outs of TBRI.  The hubs and I are currently in the middle of this course, and we have learned a lot.

One of the ideas expressed in this philosophy is that children aren't intentionally disobedient.  They have a need, that we may not recognize but it is still there, that isn't being filled.  If we can be detectives and discern what that need is and seek to meet that need, the negative behavior will reduce, because the need is being filled.

This can be frustrating at times when it is hard to discern what the need is.  This morning Angel told me she had had diarrhea.  Now, we have had people in our home recently with a stomach bug, so it is completely understandable that it could be the case.  Now flip side, her preschool teacher made a cute little sign to help children and their parents know when it is OK to send a kid to school.  One thing that makes it not OK is if they have had diarrhea in the last 24 hours.  Angel knows this, and I wouldn't put it past her to claim sickness as a way to stay home from school.

Also, earlier this week Angel told me that life was better when she was 3 and got to watch lots of shows all the time.  Something that she doesn't get to do much now days.  Part of that could be due to the fact that she spends half her day in school, but also due to the fact that I am not one who does screen time as much as she may have experienced before she entered my home.  Lately we have been having a recreational screen time ban, which she has in particular found very difficult. 

There are some times that kids stay home from school sick that I do allow them more screen time, like if I am sick too.  But a lot of times I tell my kids that if they stay home from school sick they are giving up any possible screen time that day (even when we are not on a ban, and it is after the school day is over). 

Well once Angel finished her breakfast, she immediately went to the computer, and sat there smuggly waiting for me to log her in.  She does a online preschool app that she is supposed to do every day.  Some days it happens right after breakfast.  She will try for this at times, because I am more likely to let her play with the games and songs that are available in the program when she is done, than if she does her school work after lunch, just before she leaves for her physical preschool.

I told her she couldn't do the computer right then, because she was sick she needed to rest so her body could get feeling better.  Insert meltdown.  "Why do I need to rest, why can't I play? I need to do Rusty and Rosey!"  Being screamed at the top of her lungs from her bedroom. 

I just calmly reiterated that she needed to rest.  She could do Rusty and Rosey later, but for now she needed to rest.  She was NOT happy.
A little later, I took Bunny to their room to help her find some clothes.  Angel was sitting smugly on the floor giving me a little taunting "na, na, na, na, na" as she was taking off her PJ's to get dressed.

I simply smiled at her and then helped Bunny.  After I left the room Angel kept trying to sneak out.  She would poke her head around the corner to see if anyone was watching then if she saw someone pull it back in.  The hubs caught her in the act and once again told her she needed to rest.  Once again screaming ensued.   

The hubs left for work, and she calmed down and just lay on her bed.  I went in her room a few minutes later, to go through clothes, because I have noticed things looking too small.  She came and was interacting with me, and told me she didn't really have diarrhea.  I told her because of the school rule, I need to treat her as if she did, because I didn't see it, and I can't send her to school if she is sick.  So she still needed to rest.  That brought on a screaming fit of "I am not sick!  I didn't really have diarrhea!" 

Spike also stayed home from school sick, and I have also been encouraging him to rest.  He asked if he could use the kindle fire tablet to read.   We have 2 fire tablets.  One for the boys and one for the girls, that their grandfather gave us for Christmas.  At this point Angel asked if she could also use the  fire.  So I compromised and let them read on the fire tablet.   As long as they were resting.  I had Angel tell me every so often that she isn't sick anymore.  She feels better.

Finally we had lunch and I let Angel do her computer preschool while I put Bunny down for her nap.  However once I was done with that and she had completed the assignment I logged her off and told her she needs to rest again.  She can look at books, she can take a nap, but she needs to rest.  "Why not watch shows?"  She asked.  How did I know that was coming.  I explained that we aren't doing any recreational screen time right now, so shows aren't an option.  So now she is crying her heart out.

I struggle with this because I know she doesn't NEED screen time.  She WANTS it.  But what is the need I need to meet to help her at this point.  I want her to know I love and care for her, but I also need to keep firm boundaries. 

Horse Breaking

First off I have to admit I have very limited experience with horses.  I took a rodeo class in college, and had a roommate who had horses and would sometimes take me riding.  So this analogy may be completely wrong.  So if you know better, don't judge me.

I once had someone say that horses will test their boundaries.  They feel safer if they know where their boundaries are, and where they fit in pecking order in their herd.  Who ever was telling me this (can't remember sorry,) compared this to raising children and teaching them their boundaries which they constantly will test, but will feel safer if they know where the boundaries are, and where they fit in the family infrastructure.

Now I really don't know anything about breaking horses, other than what I have been seen and read in books and movies.  So this is the part I may be really off on. 

An unbroken horse will try it's boundaries more than one who has been broken.  An unbroken horse will be harder to work with.  An unbroken horse wants to be the one in control and hasn't learned to trust that the people who are working with it will do what is right for it.  There are different ways to break a horse (I believe).  And each probably creates different results.

In the movie "Man from Snowy River" Jim, decides to try to break an unbroken horse that belongs to his boss.  Jim has methods of love and encouragement, vs the ranch hand who is supposed to break the horse who has methods of punishment and some might even say abuse.  Jim gets punished when it is discovered what he did.  Many of the other ranch hands think poorly of Jim because he comes from the mountains and don't trust his methods.  However toward the end of the story, it is his ability with horses that saves the day. 

I had an ah ha moment last night as I realized that these precious little girls who have joined our family, due to having experienced trauma, even just the trauma of being separated from a bio family, are kind of like unbroken horses.  They are constantly trying their limits.  More so than any other kids I have raised.  They want to be in control and make every decision that involves them, sometimes to their own detriment.    They lack trust, and felt safety. 

I could try to break them with harshness or with love.  It is up to me.  I will get better results with love, but it is also a more difficult process.  I have to control myself more, and not let frustration lead me.  But if I lead with love and acceptience, they one day may come to trust me, and regularly feel safe in our home.

Goals for Self Development and Spiritual Growth

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Recently our church released a new initiative for the youth ages 8-18.  In this initiative the youth are being encouraged to set goals in areas of spiritual, social, physical and intellectual development.

I know I often feel overwhelmed by what I have on my plate, and I have been feeling I need to help my children embrace this, but haven't known where to start.  I have had the idea of making a place for each category where we can post ideas, goals, accomplishments etc.  I just haven't done anything. 

Last night our church hosted a Face to Face broadcast with President and Sister Oaks.  As we watched the broadcast I felt the Spirit prompt me once again that I should do this.  As I pondered on how to do this I was reminded of some vinyl letter stickers I have left over from a previous project I did.  I wasn't sure if I had enough of the right letters, however I was able to come up with all I needed to put the titles for the four different areas on our dinning room wall.  My next plan is to get some sheet metal, cut it down to size cover with fabric or decorative paper, and put it on the wall in each section.  Then I can make some cute magnets and we can put our ideas and such up on the wall.

Also lately, I have been reading the book "To Love, Honor, and Vacuum" by Sheila Wray Gregoire.  She is a Christian author who lives in Canada.  The hubs and I went to a marriage retreat last fall where she was one of the keynote speakers.  I enjoyed her speaking style so much, that the hubs though I would enjoy this book and got it for me for Christmas. 
Anyway the book is a book for moms/wives who feel like they are doing it all, and not getting the help and support they need in the home from their family members. 
In one chapter she talks about making a schedule to get things done, and how one thing that is really important is scheduling in time to take care of yourself before you schedule in the work that needs to be done.  She had 3 areas she encouraged her readers to plan 2 ways to meet needs in during each weeks plan.  Spiritual, social, and personal care.  I found it interesting how much those ideas lined up with the infinitive that my Church is encouraging the youth to take part in. 

I felt like one goal I should do for my Spiritual well being is to write in a journal each day.  Now I consider this blog a type of journal, so that is why I am writing this today.  I may at times write in a more private and personal journal, depending on what is in my heart those days.  But with this goal, you should be seeing more from me.  So if you enjoy reading my posts there will be more for you to read. 

I encourage all of you to think of ways you can set goals in your life to help you be a better person and come closer to the Savior.