When the kids and I take a walk we often play "the corner game". In this game we take turns deciding which way to go when we reach corners. My kids love this game, and often get upset if I forget to pause and let the next person choose. Our neighborhood has a lot of greenbelts, and there is one in particular that my boys love. This one has trees so it is nice and shady, picnic tables, benches and gravel paths that wind through it. The boys love to get out of stroller and roam the paths.
Today I was taking Scooter and Spike for a walk, and we were playing the corner game. While we were walking we came across a greenbelt area. Well this was not their favorite one, but was similar. Spike asked me, "Why did they tear out all of the paths?" I told him, "This is a different one, but I know how to get to the one you like. I can take us there, or we can keep playing the corner game, and we might get there we might not, and if we do it might take longer to get there." He opted to just have me direct us there. While I was walking, I couldn't help thinking about the parallels in my statement to Spike.
The Lord knows what I want, and knows what is best for me. He can lead me there if I let Him, or I can make my own decisions, and possibly not get there, or take longer in getting there.
I wish I knew what the Lord wanted right now. I know I have felt the need to move on. I know we have felt driven back to Utah. I know I love Texas. I also love my family (extended family) none of which live in Texas, most live in Utah. I know I am needed here, I'm not sure how much I am needed in Utah. I want to be someplace for a long time, so that my children don't have to keep moving, and I know if we move to Utah we can probably stay there longer than if we were to move somewhere else here. If we were to move to a different home here in Texas I think it would only be for a little while, and that might be harder to say goodbye to than saying goodbye right now.
Part of my thinking these thoughts today is because as I was walking with my boys, I noticed that one of the houses near that greenbelt that my kids love (and this house is one that I love the look of from the outside, and it is the right size for our family, and if I were to buy a house in this neighborhood it is probably the house I would want to buy.) is going on the market soon. Seeing that causes me to second guess the thoughts I have had lately.
That, and the fact that the Hubs hasn't really had any luck in looking for a job in Utah so far, but we haven't been looking that long. It could change, really easily and quickly when the time is right. But he has really been struggling the last little bit with this, and it makes me wonder if I have been misinterpreting my thoughts and the whispering of the Spirit. Which part comes from me, and which part is coming from God?
I have desires that lead in both directions, so I can see how my own wants might lead me to think either way. It is so hard to know. I know I need to trust in the Lord. He will lead me where I really want to be in the end. I just need to discern which messages come from him.