Friday, April 22, 2016

Follow up

So to follow up with all of my crazy posts.  I do know what I am supposed to do.  But as the hubs reminded me yesterday, there has to be opposition in all things, or else you don't really have th freedom to choose, you are just going along with the flow.

The time to leave Texas is coming, I need to accept it and look forward to the future.  When I do that I truly feel peace.  When I start thinking about all the reasons I want to stay, then I get confused, or have a stupor of thought.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Making Choices, and following promptings.

When the kids  and I take a walk we often play "the corner game". In this game we take turns deciding which way to go when we reach corners.   My kids love this game, and often get upset if I forget to pause and let the next person choose.  Our neighborhood has a lot of greenbelts, and there is one in particular that my boys love.  This one has trees so it is nice and shady, picnic tables, benches and gravel paths that wind through it.  The boys love to get out of stroller and roam the paths.

Today I was taking Scooter and Spike for a walk, and we were playing the corner game.  While we were walking we came across a greenbelt area.    Well this was not their favorite one, but was similar.  Spike asked me, "Why did they tear out all of the paths?"  I told him, "This is a different one, but I know how to get to the one you like.  I can take us there, or we can keep playing the corner game, and we might get there we might not, and if we do it might take longer to get there."  He opted to just have me direct us there.  While I was walking, I couldn't help thinking about the parallels in my statement to Spike.

The Lord knows what I want, and knows what is best for me.  He can lead me there if I let Him, or I can make my own decisions, and possibly not get there, or take longer in getting there.

I wish I knew what the Lord wanted right now.  I know I have felt the need to move on.  I know we have felt driven back to Utah.  I know I love Texas.  I also love my family (extended family) none of which live in Texas, most live in Utah.  I know I am needed here, I'm not sure how much I am needed in Utah.  I want to be someplace for a long time, so that my children don't have to keep moving, and I know if we move to Utah we can probably stay there longer than if we were to move somewhere else here.  If we were to move to a different home here in Texas I think it would only be for a little while, and that might be harder to say goodbye to than saying goodbye right now.

Part of my thinking these thoughts today is because as I was walking with my boys,  I noticed that one of the houses near that greenbelt that my kids love (and this house is one that I love the look of from the outside, and it is the right size for our family, and if I were to buy a house in this neighborhood it is probably the house I would want to buy.) is going on the market soon.   Seeing that causes me to second guess the thoughts I have had lately.

That, and the fact that the Hubs hasn't really had any luck in looking for a job in Utah so far, but we haven't been looking that long.  It could change, really easily and quickly when the time is right.  But he has really been struggling the last little bit with this, and it makes me wonder if I have been misinterpreting my thoughts and the whispering of the Spirit.  Which part comes from me, and which part is coming from God?  

I have desires that lead in both directions, so I can see how my own wants might lead me to think either way.  It is so hard to know.  I know I need to trust in the Lord.  He will lead me where I really want to be in the end.    I just need to discern which messages come from him.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

"You can have what you want, or you can have something better."

I am going through a bit of a trial right now, and what makes it really hard for me is it is something I feel like most people won't understand and so I don't really know who I can talk to about it, other than the Lord.  So it is a burden that is dragging me down.

I decided to make a blog post and see if that helps me at all.

Our beliefs are that our Father in Heaven (God), has a plan for each of us.  He wants us to be happy, and knows what decisions are best for us.  Like any loving parent.  Sometimes we have lots of choices that we can make and each choice can bless us as much as another.  IE do I want black or red licorice, it doesn't really matter, unless I really don't like one of those flavors.  However some choices are more important and have more long lasting effects.

For us in our family one of those choices we feel God has a strong interest in is where we live.  When we were right out of college, we wanted to have my husband find a job in Utah where my family is, and settle down there to raise our family.  But we felt the Lord had something else in mind.  The hubs got a job offer in Virginia, and after a lot of prayer we felt like that was where we needed to go.  It was hard to leave all of our family behind and head to the other end of the country where we knew no one.  However it was a big blessing for us.  We learned how to turn to each other, and others around us.  We made some great friendships, and grew a lot stronger in our marriage.

After about a year, when expecting baby number 2 (Guy), we knew the time was coming to move back closer to family.  We missed our family, and even though we loved Virginia we knew it was time to move on.  We made the preparations to move to a different apartment that would allow us more flexibility of when we could move (our current apartment needed 3 months notice, so we found one that we could give 30 days notice).  We were all ready to move, and then 2 days before our scheduled move date, my husband lost his job.  It was a blow, but once I got over the initial emotional shock, I knew it was time for us to go back west.  It took the hubs a bit more time to come to that conclusion, but he did, and we both knew it was what the Lord had in store for us.

We packed up a upack the next week, and headed out to Utah to be with family.  Or so we thought.  After about a month in Utah, the hubs was offered a job in Seattle WA.  I didn't want to go.  I wanted to stay where family was.  I was tired of being away from family.  The hubs didn't really want to go either, but as we prayed about it, we both felt directed that it was where the Lord wanted us.  We went, but we went with a negative attitude.  And due to our attitude, it took us a long time to learn to enjoy it there.  Once we changed our attitude however we made friends, and had some positive experiences.

When baby number 3 (Aurora) was on the way, we knew we wanted to move back closer to family.  We prayed about it and felt good.   The hubs was able to get a job in Utah and shortly before the baby was born we bought a house and moved in.  We loved being near family and loved our time in Utah.  However after 4 years I started feeling that there was somewhere else the Lord needed our family, and when the time to go came, we needed to be ready and willing to go.  The hubs wasn't sold on the idea.  He loved where we were, his job, our friends, etc.  However about 8 months later he asked me if I really thought the Lord wanted us to move on.  I told him I did.  He thought for a moment and said, it's Texas.  We need to go to Texas.

We prayed about it and I knew he was right.   We made plans to move there the following summer, after the kids finished the year they were in in school.  However that wasn't the plan the Lord had for us.  The hubs found a job listing at a company he had thought of many times.  I felt like he should apply so he did.  A month later he, I and Scooter, flew to TX for him to interview and me to look at houses.  We found a house that we loved, and just before we were to board our flight back to Utah the hubs got a call, offering him the job.  We knew it was what we were supposed to do, and a month later we were moving to Texas.  It wasn't at the end of the school year.  It was March.  We had to pull the kids out of some things they really loved, and it was hard to leave.  However, after being in Texas, Utah just didn't feel like home to me.  I knew we needed to go.

In moving to Texas in March, the children were put into school at kind of a rough time.  The area where we bought our house was a poorer area, and the schools there weren't that great.  After about 3 weeks, I made a choice I never thought I would make, and pulled the kids out of school to school them at home.  It was a hard choice, but one of the best choices I have ever made, and I know the Lord was guiding me in it.  I love the people I got to know while homeschooling.  They are some of the best friends I have ever made.  My children grew a LOT during that time.  And I learned a lot about my kids spending so much time with them.

After about a year and a half of homeschooling we started feeling the whisperings of the Spirit again, telling us there was somewhere else we were needed.  It was another hard decision, but I also knew the time was coming to put the kids back into school.  We stayed in the beautiful Texas area, but moved far enough away that the schools were so much better, and it was harder to see our homeschooling friends anymore.

I haven't been thrilled about the rental house we moved into, but other than that I love it here.  I can see so many ways my life has been blessed, during this time in Texas.

And here is where we come to the part of the trial I am dealing with now.  If you have stuck through all my ramblings to get to this part, I know some of you will feel the heartache I am feeling, and some of you will feel the joy I am feeling.

Recently the hubs and I have felt that the time is coming to put Texas behind us, and go back to Utah.  I don't want to leave.  I love it here.  I love the place and the people.   I told the Lord this,   and after that there was no doubt.  It is about time to leave.  We still aren't sure on the timing.  We are trying out a few different paths right now to see where they lead, but in the end for us at this time we know they will lead to Utah, back to our house there.  I am looking forward to going back and being near family and the wonderful friends we have there.  But my heart is breaking over leaving Texas.   It is a hard place to be, stuck between choosing over different things I love.  I know the Lord's path leads to Utah, and I am willing to do so.  But it is hard.    

Recently our Church had a world wide conference.  In that conference Elder Donald L. Hallstrom said, "Recently, I was in a meeting with Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. In teaching the principle that mortal life can be agonizing but our hardships have eternal purpose—even if we do not understand it at the time—Elder Holland said, “You can have what you want, or you can have something better.”"

This is an idea I am clinging to right now.  "You can have what you want, or you can have something better."    I am putting my trust in the Lord, that even though this is a really hard time for me, that in following the promptings I am feeling, I can have something better.